The BIG Difference

THE BIG DIFFERENCE (What girls should know about boys and vice versa!)

© 04/00 Dick Baarsen,

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(What girls should know about boys and vice versa!)

By Dick Baarsen


In my teens I read a number of books on sexuality. It struck me that in all those books it was emphasized that boys and girls are so totally different. The physical difference is great, but greater still is the difference in emotions. Girls react in a completely different way to boys. Through the years I have noticed how important it is to know this and to take it into account. Today, however, in modern sex education those emotional differences are often passed over. They are even denied.

All too true

This became very clear when we handed out a previous version of this brochure to a group of 35 students on a week’s holiday. They were flabbergasted. They had never heard of such a thing. First they would not believe it. The girls could not imagine that boys were like that and the boys could not believe what was being said about girls.

One evening the whole group came together to discuss the subject. There was an openness such as we had seldom seen before. The boys asked the girls questions and vice versa. It proved all too true. Sad stories of girls who had had some bad experiences. And honest confessions from boys who had to admit that they had no idea about the emotional consequences of the way they had treated girls.


Yes, through ignorance a lot of damage is done, particularly in the sphere of sexuality. There are a number of differences between boys and girls which you should definitely know about. It has often been said that they are only a result of conservative upbringing and culture. Yet there are a few big differences which are there by nature.

The first difference

When a boy enters puberty and begins to grow up into adulthood, he is automatically confronted with the sexual feelings which are part of this process. Getting rid of his overproduction, for instance, is in itself no unpleasant experience. The whole world of sexual experience opens up automatically to him. He does not need to do anything himself.

For girls, however, this is different. Their first menstruation does not give them special sexual feelings. Something physical happens to them, which is more or less unpleasant, but that’s all. The rest remains non-active – present, but dormant. Yes, even the most sensitive spot she has remains unnoticed until she is sexually aroused by someone. As a rule this doesn’t happen spontaneously. This is because of the second difference.

The second difference

The second big difference is that a boy reacts very strongly to what he sees of female beauty. Not only do his emotions react strongly to it, but so does his body. Girls don’t understand this. They cannot imagine how boys can get so worked up by simply looking at pictures of female nudity, which can have an almost immediate and intense bodily effect upon them.

Girls, on the other hand, react much more to physical contact by caressing, petting and kissing. When that happens for the first time, sexual feelings and desires are aroused which were previously unknown. From then on a whole new world of experience opens up to them. This is for them the beginning of the sexual route, so to speak. Only then do sexual emotions awaken. Not as intensely as in boys, however. It is more of a process.

Sleeping beauty

Because of these two differences, sexuality for boys is a reality which they experience right from the beginning of puberty, whereas for girls this is basically a sealed book until the time when they are physically approached. This is really the theme of the sleeping beauty fairy tale: she is awakened by that loving kiss from the prince of her dreams. Yet it occurs fairly often that girls become acquainted with sexual feelings far before their puberty. This, however, always has an outward cause – it is never spontaneous. This also applies to boys.

A revealing survey

A teacher of biology at a high school in our neighborhood could hardly believe all this when he heard about it from one of his pupils after they saw a disturbing film about AIDS prevention. He carried out an anonymous survey in the class. It was revealing. All twelve boys had experience with pornography and practiced masturbation, and three had a girlfriend with whom they also had sexual intercourse. Of the nine girls in that class, however, only one practiced masturbation and one had sexual intercourse with her boyfriend. The rest of the girls had no sexual experience whatsoever, and they all probably thought they were the only one. Perhaps this was an exceptional class, but still …

Velvet hands

What could be the consequences of this? In a youth camp we once had a boy with “velvet hands”. He had this tremendous urge to conquer the girls and to be popular with them. He knew exactly how to go about it. He had difficulty in keeping his hands off, and when touching them, made sure he did so in a pleasant way. He liked to massage painful backs and rub them with suntan oil. He was very attentive and if, for instance, he made a personal remark or asked a question, he would lay a friendly arm around the girl’s shoulder. Most of the girls loved it. We tried to caution them, but it was no use. In their eyes that boy could do no wrong – they just adored him.

Not neutral

To walk hand in hand during night walks in a youth camp, can be for an adolescent boy a kind of adventure, having to do with inquisitiveness, and quite probably has more to do with him wanting to boast that “he has a girl” than with anything else. But to hold hands is not always neutral. When a father holds the hand of his little boy while out walking, it is an expression of love and security. It could have the same meaning for a girl. It does not yet belong to the real sexual contact, but it does mean something. You don’t do it without a reason. If a boy does it, she experiences it as a surprise: there is someone who shows an interest in her, who wants to say something to her by this simple gesture. It makes her happy, and when the boy insists on proving that he can also kiss and even dares to go much further, then she cannot imagine that for him all this is no more than an exciting adventure or just the desire to prove himself before his friends and later on to boast about it.

Tied down

For the first few days the boy experiences the affection of the girl as pleasant. When she shows that she likes his advances, this flatters his vanity. After a few days, however, he begins to feel tied down. The fact is that there are many more nice girls. He does not understand why she takes things so seriously. The girl, in her turn, does not understand anything at all of his negative reaction. And what started as a happy thing for her, ends in a tragedy. In that way an entire holiday can be spoiled by misunderstandings like these, and all due to ignorance; ignorance because boys think that girls react in the same way as they do. And vice versa.

Fobbing someone off

Is this really so tragic? Actually it is. For such young men do not realize the emotional process they are starting off in girls. In any case they do not see how they have any responsibility in the matter. The girls who experience this for the first time, are happily surprised by the emotional high and the new perception – a whole new world opens up to them. They get butterflies in their stomach. But it doesn’t lead to anything but a hangover. A restlessness befalls them, a new longing for security and more, which is not being fulfilled. These kinds of experiences can easily lead to a kind of “boy-craziness” and, because of their need inside, such girls run the risk of being content with whichever boy or man who turns up. It is not primarily due to a physical desire, but rather a wider one, one involving her whole being.

A third difference

For a boy, sexuality can lead its own life – he can easily separate it from the other things that interest him. In this a girl also reacts in a different way to a boy. For her everything forms a unity. She reacts as a total human being: spirit, soul and body. Because of this kind of experience there arises a strong desire to give herself, a thirst for a relationship in which she can give herself completely. But there has to be someone to respond.

What to do?

How should we deal with these facts? Let’s first talk about the boys: What should they do with the sexual capabilities which simply fall into their lap? In former times they were told that they should try and control these things as well as they could because of the consequences involved. But nowadays that is not a problem any longer as contraceptives are within easy reach of everyone. So there is seemingly no need to control or suppress anything. Everything can be experienced right from the beginning without any restrictions. In the schools much attention is paid to this approach so that everyone can be fully prepared. Why bother postponing things until marriage? Why should a boy have to wait from his fourteenth until his twenty-fifth birthday to use his sexual capabilities?

Keep your cool

For a girl it is usually less of a problem. Actually there shouldn’t be any problem as long as she keeps herself out of the reach of “velvet hands” and does not let herself be swayed by the questionable sex education she receives. Of course she hopes to meet Mister Right one day, but that desire is not the same as that of boys, who are continually confronted with feelings that are roused by what they see. Magazine racks in supermarkets and bookshops are well-stocked with nude pictures. And on TV and Internet there is also a lot to see. They are bombarded from all sides with commercials and programs that make good money for the clever people who devise them.

You reap what you sow

Now boys usually think that all this does not make much difference. No one can see what they are looking at, no one knows what they are thinking. But don’t be misled. Whatever you sow, you will reap. Everything sexual that you look at as a boy enters via your eyes and nestles itself there in your memory. What you watch once with your eyes, can come back in your memory a thousand times. What you reap is always many times more than what you sow. Every time it comes back to your thoughts and fantasies, it has a powerful effect on your feelings and on your body.

Television and video

“It doesn’t affect me!”, you are perhaps saying when talking about the influence of watching TV or video. “As soon as I switch it off, I’ve forgotten everything!” Who are you trying to fool? When you’ve switched it off, you know very well what you’ve seen. Of course you see things that do not affect you and which are at once forgotten. Those won’t enter your heart and memory. But watch out! You tend to only watch things that do affect you, things that are interesting or exciting. Or stimulating. And then it does not matter whether it is fantasy or not – you consume it, you consciously take it in. It is the same with eating: as soon as you have swallowed it, it is inside. The only difference is that you can still throw up contaminated food, so that you don’t get sick. But you cannot do that with the things that enter your memory. Those remain inside and get more deeply embedded all the time, and will influence your life considerably.


Maybe you wonder why so many magazines, programs and films are so packed with everything that is wrong. Well, obviously the makers themselves are full of these things. And what is in their hearts comes out in this way. For out of the inner man, out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. Jesus Christ already said this 2000 years ago. In that way they contaminate all those who swallow it.

Sodom and Gomorrah

I don’t know if you are familiar with the story of those cities of old, Sodom and Gomorrah. It was said of them that all the men were sexually so highly charged that they used to crowd together whenever foreigners came within the city walls, with the idea to gang rape them. I always used to think, “That’s probably somewhat exaggerated.” But I’ve changed my mind. I’m even beginning to think that history may repeat itself in the near future. It is frightening to see how many people in my circle of acquaintances openly allow their hearts to be flooded with all the sex and violence offered on TV and Internet, and this is the case all over the world. It is really daunting to face all that this new century will bring. These characteristics of Sodom and Gomorrah were the very ones Jesus Christ called to our attention in his warnings about the end of the world.

A cesspit

It is difficult to change your feelings. When you are down, you cannot suddenly decide to be happy. You cannot really tinker with your feelings very much! But you surely can determine what you look at and what you think and fantasize about. Your feelings are considerably influenced by that. And also your actions! Therefore your thought life is the area in which choices have to be made. What you think of determines what you feel.

When as a boy you look consciously at sexually charged matters, this will control your thoughts and memories more and more. Your heart becomes a cesspit of primitive desires which have nothing to do anymore with love and faithfulness or with a committed relationship with someone you love.


Jesus Christ once warned: Wherever there is a dead body, there the vultures will gather. We might also put it this way: Wherever there is rubbish, the rats will make for it. Where there is spiritual dirt, spiritual vermin will gather; demons, unclean spirits, evil powers – it does not matter what you call them. They will stir up and fan the fire in your heart until it becomes a blaze. Increasingly the consequences make the headlines. The cesspit opens up – families which resemble concentration camps in which brothers molest their little sisters, in which uncles and grandfathers rape their nieces and grandchildren, and where fathers give full rein to their passions in abusing their own daughters. They are so governed and possessed by their sexual emotions that even their own family members are considered fair game with whom to indulge their base desires.

And how many boys are there who, under the influence of the texts of sex-ads and pictures in pornographic magazines, can only see girls as paper hankies which are to be thrown away after just one “use”?

Influence of pornography

A few years ago there was an interview on TV with an American sex-murderer who had raped and murdered dozens of girls. He was condemned to the electric chair. His name was Ted Bundy. The interview took place in the prison on the last day of his life. The next day he was executed. In that interview he told how it all happened. He grew up in a good family, there was no problem at home, he had nice friends, and school was okay.

But the trouble started when at the age of twelve – he was introduced to pornography in the form of magazines, comics and detective stories with sexual violence, which he found in a garbage can in the street. That took hold of him. He looked for more and became addicted to it. So called “soft porn” soon no longer satisfied him. Just as with all addictions it went from bad to worse and from softcore to hardcore. He got more and more addicted to hard and violent pornography.

From fantasy to reality

In the meantime nothing was wrong with him outwardly and no one noticed anything unusual. It all happened in secret, in his thought life. But in here there was nothing to stop him. With such total brake failure, the most horrible things took place in his fantasies. The only problem was that he needed stronger and stronger stimulants from the outside. In the long run even the hardest films and videos could not satisfy him any more. Because of that an irresistible urge grew inside him to take the last step: real sexual violence. But that barrier was high. His common sense, his human judgment of good and evil, and fear of the consequences held him back for some five or six years. But the obsession grew and grew. One fateful day he took that ominous decision to break the last remnants of his inhibitions. He resorted to alcohol and then committed his first murder.

Coming to his senses

The next morning he went through hell. He was now completely sober again and could see as clear as anything what had happened and what he had landed himself in. Yet before long the irresistible craving to let himself go returned and the tragedy repeated itself – twenty eight times!

When he was suspected and arrested for the first time, no one who knew him could imagine Ted Bundy as being able to commit such a crime as murder. Therefore he was acquitted several times because of lack of evidence. But finally everything did come to light and to the relief of many he was sentenced to the electric chair. At the end of his life he came to his senses and in that last interview he tried to warn against the dangers of pornography. He said amongst other things, “People need to recognize that those of us who have been so much influenced by violence in the media, in particular by violent pornography, are not born monsters. We are your sons and your husbands. We grew up in regular families. Pornography can reach out and snatch any kid out of any house today. It snatched me out of my home thirty years ago. And as diligent as my parents were, and they were diligent in protecting their children, and as good a Christian home as we had, and we did have a wonderful one, there is no protection against the kind of influences out there beyond anyone’s control in a society that is permissive…”

Normal alternative

Is there no alternative for boys, one that is normal? Thank God, there is. But it does not come automatically. When sexuality enters the life of a boy, you can compare it to a young boy, who is given a puppy. That little dog can get away with a lot, even if it bites, runs, barks, chews on everything and does its numbers one and two on your carpet. All those things it knows already – no need to teach them. However, you do need to teach it to know when it can not bark, when it can not run, and that it can not do its “business” whenever it feels like it. It has to be trained. It has to learn to listen carefully to its boss. Only in this way can you live with such an animal. But when you let a pup like that do exactly what it pleases, it may have to be put down as soon as it is fully grown, because on the road and in company it has become dangerous and unreliable.

It is just the same with sexuality. Many men and boys think that whenever Mr. Penis lifts his head, he immediately must have his own way. He cries so loudly to be stroked, to be caressed and to be the center of attention, you’d get the impression that there is no getting away from it. Rubbish! Not paying any attention to him will soon make him climb down again! He can put on a big front but it’s like the proverbial dog – a lot of bark, but no real bite. He is not the boss – you are! Not letting him have his way is what will make him lie down again. As long as the boss isn’t married, Mr. P. has to confine himself to the work he was good at right from the beginning. You know, he is just like a spoiled child – the more you give in to it, the more it cries to get its way. There are plenty of parents who are really afraid of the whining of their spoilt toddler, and so with a sigh they are quick to give in to it. That little monster manages to play the boss with two adult people, just by its screaming. Make sure you have more sense than that and don’t let it happen to your “little toddler”!

Learning young

Now all this may sound funny, but don’t be mistaken: as a boy it is extremely important that you learn this. I have been married now for over twenty-five years and if in the preceding time I had not learnt these things, then our marriage wouldn’t be what it is now. Not learning to leave things alone before marriage may make your wife, later on, wonder what it is you are doing to her. She may feel she is being raped rather than loved.

A woman easily loses her respect for a man who cannot control himself. But when passion runs high, having learned to focus on other matters till everything in you simmers down again, is a great help during those times of marriage when the desires of you and your wife do not run parallel. It will greatly help in keeping things balanced and beautiful. Then so much is possible without either of the two feeling under any compulsion. You have to learn this while still single!

Within reach

I myself experienced a positive spiritual crisis when I was 27, where I consciously put everything under the control of Jesus Christ. I have noticed that when you bring your life under his control and you have a great longing to have a heart without filth and smut, that this becomes a real possibility. When you confess everything that is wrong and tell him honestly, then he not only forgives you, but also delivers you from all that filthiness. At least that’s how I experienced it, even in my dreams.


From everything we have been saying so far, we could logically draw the conclusion that masturbation is not really a positive matter, even though almost all boys and quite a lot of girls practice it on quite a regular basis. Why is that? And why didn’t the first Christians write about it? You won’t find a single warning against masturbation in the Bible.

To start with this last point: one likely reason is that the habit of masturbation probably occurred much less in those days. There was less reason for it. Men for instance were hardly ever confronted with female beauty in the way we are. Only the women, whose aim it was to seduce men, dressed provocatively. This led in many cases to adultery or fornication with these women. But nowadays it is not only actual flesh and blood women who, by their clothes and behavior, arouse sexual desires, but mainly the ones you see on TV, the Internet and in print! In magazines, on posters and in countless video, computer, and TV programs you’ll run across them everywhere, whether you like it or not.

The only thing is that they are not there physically, even though you can see them! They are an illusion. But the desires that are aroused by them are certainly not an illusion! They are difficult to control and are asking for an outlet. For the pictures you see are extremely suggestive, even more suggestive then reality. Masturbation is nearly always the first result.

Also with girls masturbation occurs much more than in former days. That is mainly because of the present-day sex education, which encourages them to experiment with themselves. All these things make addiction to masturbation a much bigger problem than what it used to be.

What to do

After my spiritual change of direction I began to ask myself what I should do in regard to this issue, seeing as how I also practiced it myself. Initially I did not worry much about it. After all your nose needs blowing regularly too, doesn’t it? But this did not fully satisfy me any longer. While practicing it, you imagine all sorts of things – at least that’s how it was in my case. There was a lot of action in my thoughts and in fact I felt ashamed about it. Moreover, it was also addictive. It didn’t do my self-respect any good. Still I liked to think no harm was done, because no one suffered from it. Then I got an idea. If, indeed, it was okay to do it, then I could thank God for it.

And so I tried it out – before masturbating I gave thanks to God. To my big surprise the desire for it vanished! The next time, when on the point of indulging myself, I again thanked God for it, and again the results were the same. That happened a few more times, and so I drew the conclusion that there was no need to give in to it anymore. And so until today that is the way things have continued. In the beginning I was almost caught unawares a few times when the suggestion presented itself quite unexpectedly and very strongly. But by calling upon Jesus, the temptation was completely broken and disappeared again every time. I honestly did not want to do it any more.

This experience meant a lot to me. You see, I had already started the habit before I had reached puberty and, moreover, had always reacted very strongly to what I saw. I also happened to remain single for quite a few years after all this.

Not an exception

Still it did occur to me now and then that perhaps I was the odd man out after all, seeing as it was so easy for me. Perhaps I was a bit less passionate by nature. It is not easy to compare yourself with someone else. However, my strong impression is that there was nothing wrong with me. Up till the present day the experience of sexuality has always played an important role in our marriage.

Nor was I left frustrated or full of pimples. All the surplus production of those bachelor years was got rid of in the normal way without any problems. It did not leave me with anything negative, rather the contrary!


A boy whom I know well and to whom I mentioned all this, some time later told me that for him it had been much more difficult. The victory only came within his reach when he committed his life to Jesus Christ very consciously. Before that his motivation just was not sufficient. “Now I know that it all has to do with the question of what is your greatest desire,” he said. “At that time my desire was not towards God. I had not really been changed.” This is something that applies to all addictions. You have to find something in your life that is more valuable and real than the things you are addicted to. And what could be more valuable than an experience with the Creator of the universe! My friend told me that what had helped him a great deal was to talk about things openly with people who also lived with God in this way.

Don’t make it difficult for yourself

If you want to live this way, it is very important to be radical, especially in your thought life. You cannot help seeing and hearing all kinds of things. But as soon as you start looking or listening consciously at something or listening to it, you have made a choice to download it into your memory. And that has its consequences. For even though you may be free in making your choices, the consequences cannot be picked and chosen. They come attached. This is why you will always do well to look beyond the attraction and the urge of the moment.

If you really have a desire for a pure heart, then you can be assured that this is generously within your reach! This way of living was proclaimed two thousand years ago in the ports of Asia Minor, which were filled with fornication and occultism. Nearly everyone was involved in temple prostitution. If the message of the followers of Jesus could give those people there a pure heart, then it is certainly possible now.

Not harmless

Generally it is thought that the need of masturbation will disappear of its own accord as soon as you have a steady sexual relationship. But for men this is usually not the case. If you haven’t solved the problem before that time, it will just continue. Is that so awful? Indeed, it usually is. For in his fantasy a man, while masturbating, doesn’t usually have sex with his own partner, but with those who resurface in his memory and fantasies, therefore making him unfaithful in his mind. That this can cause great difficulties became clear to us when we had a case of adultery in our own circle of acquaintances. The man admitted later that his fantasies had always had free rein while masturbating, and this had continued in his marriage. When the opportunity of adultery presented itself, not an ounce of resistance was left in him to stand against it. So often had he slept around in his mind that in that fateful moment he simply and naturally gave in.

Female exhibitionism

Girls know by instinct that boys react to what they see. This is why they have the tendency to show off their physical beauty. One could say they are somewhat exhibitionist. Fortunately, after man had fallen into rebellion and sin at the beginning of human history, women acquired quite a feeling of shame (as did men, of course). If you know the Bible story, then you know what I mean! So, normally speaking, a feeling of shame is preserved in a girl until the time that she knows that she is safe in a relationship with someone she loves and to whom she wants to give herself.

Nevertheless, girls have an irresistible tendency to pay much attention to their outward appearance. The publicity men and fashion designers make good use of this. But girls should realize that when they go too far, they are transmitting a clear but dubious message.

Shock effects

Beware, therefore, of fashions when they are obviously out to shock – at first clothing is long and then suddenly supershort. Extra long slits can turn your legs into eye-catchers. Low-cut neck-lines, see-through blouses and that kind of thing draw the attention too much to your outward appearance. You shouldn’t be surprised then when boys appear to have an interest in your body only and hardly any in the rest of you. When your outward appearance shouts so loudly that it drowns out your inner being, then boys see you as only a walking body. It is possible to flaunt your exterior so much, that to the boy’s mind you confirm the impression they get from sex-ads that women are all just waiting to be grabbed.

Flesh and legs

In a youth camp a girl came to me complaining about the boys behaving so annoyingly in this respect. I had to tell her that she herself was really asking for it, for she was dressed pretty provocatively, even though she was not very conscious of the fact. You had better be careful in this matter – that is if you want to get a husband who is interested in the total you.

I know all the nice characteristics of my daughter: her character, her talents, and the abilities she has. I would think it terrible if she should end up with a boy who had eyes only for her flesh and legs and no interest in those characteristics.


What do you think is the purpose of these big differences between boys and girls? There must be a good reason for them. Well, it is because the boy apparently has to take the initiative. Step by step, he is the one to initiate the girl whom he loves and who, as a result, responds positively in this new world of emotional experience. For her this is the most sweeping experience she can ever have as a girl. She experiences it as a unique thing which she can only go through with one person, very exclusively. When this happens in a right and loving way, then the girl will develop a bond of love with the boy, which is almost impossible for her to break. But that also makes her very vulnerable. If the boy just drops her afterwards, or if to him it was just a noncommittal affair, then it becomes a horrible disappointment to her, for she can never experience it a second time in quite the same way. She has given away something of herself which later on she will never be able to get back.


You know, women are by nature monogamous. Normally speaking they stick to one man. If a girl runs the whole sexual course with one man, it will be difficult for someone else to come in between. But when that relationship is broken, it will leave scars forever. For a girl attaches herself very strongly to the boy or man who has woken her sexual sentiments. So, if this “course” is “run” with someone else afterwards, then it will be more difficult for her to attach herself so strongly again in this new relationship. To some degree she will have lost somewhat of her capacity in this respect. Unfortunately for a girl, the consequences of an abandoned relationship are inevitably damaging and make her more vulnerable.

How far?

Now you may be asking yourself what place the experience of sexual development should have in the period in which you still have to get to know each other, and how far you should go in this. From the above you could draw the conclusion that it would actually be better to set aside the whole of the sexual route till the moment of full commitment for the rest of your life in marriage. That would be the only way to be sure of not causing irreparable emotional damage to one another in this area.

Without tension

It would also have great advantages for the time of courtship and engagement, wouldn’t it? It gives you the opportunity to get to know one another thoroughly in all other areas of your lives, without tensions and pressures. This certainly need not be at the expense of spontaneous cordiality. The friendly kisses you exchange with your parents or sister, because you are so happy to see them again, or walking hand in hand as you used to do with your parents, still have little to do with treading the sexual route! Besides these there are still lots of other ways to express a very personal and intimate friendship. There is certainly nothing wrong with these in your time of courtship.

Different opinions

Yet not everyone will agree with the suggestion that you leave the first steps of the sexual route until you are within the intimacy of marriage. Should kissing on the mouth, caressing and cuddling, not be allowable in your engagement time? Surely it is all part and parcel of it … But how far really can you prudently go? We can probably see the point of not hopping into bed together until all is in place and we are ready for it in marriage. But whether all the rest should also be relegated to that future moment, is not equally clear to everyone.


A friend of mine, for instance, a family man of high principles, advised his children to sort of chart or map the sexual course before them. Fix the date of your wedding, was his advice, and spread the whole sexual route out over the period preceding that day – every time a little bit further (except the final part of sleeping together of course!) Then you’ll be right on course, and ripe to go to bed together when the time has come! Well, it may have worked for him and his wife; they are a wonderful couple. But the danger is great that at some point, half way, something happens, the relationship is broken off, and there you are, stuck midway. And in that case the girl especially will be left with the problem that she can never again have such a unique experience. Therefore it really isn’t a good idea to experience an important part of the sexual route outside the security of marriage, even if you keep the rest for within. It is the same as biting into a piece of a cake again and again; tasting it, enjoying it and then not swallowing it, because it is forbidden. Well, sooner or later there’ll likely be a hiccup and you’ll get it stuck in your throat!

Smooth sailing

Moreover, you generally run the sexual route so smoothly and enthusiastically that it easily overgrows the rest. Particularly when the friendship in other respects runs less smoothly and requires a bit of effort. That’s why we unfortunately often see the time of courtship and engagement as being mainly characterized by exploring and enjoying a great part of the sexual route or perhaps the whole of it. This happens of its own accord with no encouragement needed. It gives the impression that you are well-matched. And probably you are. At least in this area. You’d think no one could be happier than you two. But it is important to realize that you’d be well-matched with almost anyone who is not too unattractive in this respect! It seems as if you have much ground in common, but it is only in one respect. What may seem to be a limitless area of common ground, has, in fact, no more than one dimension – the physical one.

Very misleading

Enthusiastically running the whole sexual route can therefore be very misleading. You will practically always be well-matched. But efforts to get yourselves matched in any other area you’ll find to be a very different kettle of fish, in which success can certainly not be taken for granted.

The other areas have to do with character, education, background, outlook on life, culture, personal taste and interests, to name but a few. If you are not very careful, you’ll hardly get to touch those areas in your courtship as you prepare yourselves for marriage. Then you’ll be confronted with them after you are married, and, at last, you’ll find there are a host of other things to be discovered and to start doing together besides cuddling!

Wrong choice

Then it appears you have different points of view that present themselves on this, that and the other. You’ll get annoyed at the way the other one does certain things or fails to do them. You may be dismayed to discover a certain rudeness, which you had never suspected before. More and more things come to the surface which are difficult to agree on. In the end you may conclude that you made a bad mistake after all, even though things seemed to go so well at the beginning and the signs seemed so positive!

What many do nowadays, is to provide a “fire escape”, or so they think. They say, “Why not just live together without the commitment of marriage, but have all the enjoyment of sex?” the “advantage” being that you can drop out quite easily if and when you want to.

The world upside down

All too often the couple starts at the wrong end. In the discos the music is so loud that communication is limited to looking, touching and pulling at one another. In that way two people get into their stride without any inner contact. That’s very easy. And the rest also. Everything fits and is delightful. But, you know, in reality there is no need to find out if you are a good match physically. In this physical area things are pretty elastic, so much so that even a baby can pass through, if you know what I mean, so there really is no need for you to test it. It’s a topsy-turvy world: before marriage you try out things that don’t usually cause any problems, at least as long as you keep to certain rules, while that which goes so much deeper than the body, and has to do directly with the identity of the person, remains to be discovered, tested and fine-tuned for after the wedding. With all the risks involved! In many cases it will become clear that there is much less common ground than was thought and hoped for. Could not that be one of the causes of the high percentage of divorces? Of course, you just might be lucky. Certainly there are some who in this way have found a happy and lasting relationship with the first one who also happened to be the best one. Rather like the winning number in a lottery. But why not play it safe? Too much depends on it!

No two alike

But imagine you have come to know each other in all the other areas, and then the relationship is broken off. Isn’t that then like a course again which can now never be run with another person with that same sense of uniqueness? No, we’re talking about something quite different here, and that is simply because no two people are alike The only area in which we are all more or less the same, is the sexual one. That’s why only your first sexual encounter is a unique experience. Doing it with someone else after that will prove to be a comparable experience and so, by definition, not unique anymore. But getting to know someone’s character in all aspects of his or her life, is, by definition, always unique. Getting to know someone on a very personal basis will always be a totally new experience. Even though you go through it a few times before finding Mr. Right, or Miss Right, the harm is not necessarily irreversible. Most of the time such friendships even could continue regardless.


So, as a young woman, you have the privilege of keeping yourself untouched. Don’t let your passion be aroused before the time is ripe. Don’t allow anyone to paw at you, however pleasant it may seem. You’d only make things very difficult for yourself. Be careful also with alcohol. It lowers the barriers and your natural defenses will start to disintegrate.

Beware of activities in which physical contact plays a role, as is the case with some forms of dancing, for instance. Both of you may experience it as very pleasant, but who will take responsibility for the desires aroused in the girl? There are quite a lot of girls who in every respect have a real sense of responsibility, but once this kind of entertainment has awakened them emotionally, and they have lost a big piece of their natural objectivity in the process, their life will never again be quite the same. It may not be a simple matter to have to learn to live with that. They may now find that longings for a husband, or “a man” assert themselves and start to dominate most other areas.

Sex education

Girls can also be awakened by modern sex education. Years ago I watched a TV program with a lady sexologist, who claimed that nature had discriminated against girls because boys naturally get all kinds of pleasurable sensations and desires as adolescents, whereas girls don’t. She therefore advised every girl to explore her body and start experimenting. This is the sort of unnatural and impersonal “information” that stimulates a girl the wrong way to become sexually active.

Natural aversion

In general, girls don’t appreciate objective sex education. They have pretty much a natural aversion to it. Apart from a very personal love relationship, sexual matters just don’t hold their attraction. That’s food for thought. But driven by curiosity and “because everyone does it”, quite a few lose some, or all, of their virginity in an unnatural and artificial way outside the intimate and personal safety of a loving lifelong relationship. Sad and also unsatisfactory. Only within such a unique relationship can experiencing sexuality become a wonderful expression of mutual affection. And isn’t that what it is meant to be in the first place?


Also conspicuous by its absence in sex education is the fact that all girls are physically sealed by nature. Through the post you receive all sorts of mail. Impersonal mail, which everyone may read, may be sent in an open envelope. If somewhat more personal, then the envelope is gummed down. But if the sender wants to be absolutely sure that its contents will be received by the addressee in person and exclusively read by him or her, then the letter also has a seal put on it. It means the contents are so precious and so private that there has to be a guarantee that nobody but the addressee will open it. In the same way every girl is so precious that the entrance to the opening, where intercourse between man and woman takes place, is sealed. The fact that this seal, (called the ”hymen“), is there, teaches us that, on no account, must her intimacy be meddled with. The exclusive right to break the hymen seal belongs to the one to whom she is “destined”. In other words it may only be broken by the one who is worthy, because he is willing to take full responsibility for what he does. That is quite something. A seal can only be broken once. So in the very nature of things the consequences of that unique moment must be far-reaching, emotionally and physically.

Difficult task

What if, as unfortunately happens quite a lot, the boy lets himself go and the girl is raped, at least as she experiences it? In this case she is under no obligation whatsoever towards the boy. Better to turn back halfway than to get lost altogether!

As mentioned before, girls, sexually awakened outside marriage, have to learn how to cope with these feelings in a proper way. And that is not easy. Since it is against her nature to separate her sexuality from the rest of her existence, there is a real danger that the desire for a man is going to dominate and influence her life in a negative way.

In balance

Once, when Jesus Christ met a woman who wrestled with this problem, we are told how, in her search for love and security, she had already been intimately involved with five men, while right then she was having an affair with number six. Jesus told her that her thirst for love, attention and understanding could never be quenched in that way. She needed more than what men could ever give her. What she needed was someone who fully understood her, someone who was available to her day and night, one to whom she could unburden her heart and who could comfort her. She needed someone who would take up the responsibility for her past and for the blunders she had made, someone who from now on would help her to make the right choices and who would bring to an end her inability to say “no” whenever tempted. She needed someone who would make a stand for her if she were treated unjustly or were rejected. She needed someone who would not let her down when she got older, someone who would be able to give her life meaning right unto the end, and who would give peace in her heart. She discovered that it was Jesus in whom she could find all this. That encounter brought her life into balance. The pressure was off.

It still works in the same way today. Only Jesus gives real emotional shelter and security, more than any man ever could give. Then all that restless seeking-and-never-finding has come to an end.

Back to square one

Is it possible to start afresh with a clean slate once you have experienced quite a bit sexually? Widows and widowers who begin a new marriage generally experience that this is indeed possible. To their own surprise such a second marriage is in most cases not inferior to the first.

Young people who have come to experience new life, because of admitting Jesus Christ into their lives, will find that now their sexual experience is placed in a different framework. True, the scars sustained in the past will never disappear, but when it comes to a new relationship and marriage, there will be such a real and new dimension that everything can be experienced in a new way.

Worth the effort

If on the other hand you already had a relationship with Jesus, when, through ignorance or self will, you entered into sexual contacts with one or more partners outside the security of a loving married relationship, then things are more complicated. Most likely you will find that something has been lost forever. The clock cannot be turned back, in spite of God’s forgiveness and cleansing which you receive when you ask for them. However, you are, and remain, unique, and all you’ve got left is surely worth handling very carefully, in order to make the most of it during the rest of your life.

“I don’t condemn you!” Jesus once said to a woman to whom this had happened. “Go home and do not sin again!”

The original purpose

What was God’s original purpose for marriage? In one of the letters the first Christians wrote to each other, we read that as husbands and wives we should follow Jesus’ example, in the way he treats his followers. For in a certain sense this is comparable. As Jesus treats his followers, so likewise the men should treat their wives. How does he treat his followers? He takes them by the hand, leads them out of the darkness of ignorance and into a new world of experience, a world of light, one of eternal things. For that purpose he commits himself to an eternal union of faithfulness with them.

A new world

I don’t know whether you are converted and “born again”, but when it happened to me, a whole new world opened up. Although I knew a lot about the Bible, up to that point it had never meant very much to me at all. It had not come alive. But when I came to know Jesus Christ personally, I entered into a new world. A world I had become aware of in others who had come to know him. So the desire to live with him in the same way was born in my heart. I saw I could enter into an eternal union with Jesus, and that is what I did, which meant I started a new life together with him. And that is the way it should be with a man and his wife. A man gets to know a young lady, he notices after some time how well they match, then, declaring his love, he enters into a union with her, a union of faithfulness. He takes his wife by the hand as it were and leads her step by step into the world of married life, a world of experience new to her.

No forcing

Back to our example of Jesus and his followers. He never forces them, and he always has in mind their level of understanding. He doesn’t overwhelm them with deep mystic experiences or impressive revelations. Nothing will be forced down their throats. He waits for an invitation, while continually making sure that in them a desire for all these things is aroused. In the same way a man should adjust to his wife’s pace. He should never press himself on her, but rather see to it that her desires are aroused.

And the sexual course should be run in its entirety every time. Otherwise things may not be working for his wife. It all belongs together, from the kiss of love, right on to the climax of physical unification. The experience is not complete, if one, or several, of its parts are missing. He has to see to it that his wife, if at all possible, is the first to reach the climax. Then he himself won’t lack anything. Only then it will be a memorable experience for both of them. That requires much time, creativity, sensitivity and self-control. That’s why it is so necessary that, by this point in life, a man has learnt to have everything under control.

Great responsibility

As a girl, do you understand the extreme importance of dealing with all these things with the utmost care? Keep yourself for the one who is worthy, and willing to shoulder all responsibility for you.

And, as a boy, you must realize the great responsibility that is yours in coping with your sexual feelings, so that they will be exclusively channeled towards the well-being and happiness of that very precious and special being, who will entrust her life to you.

If you are convinced that this brochure is worth being distributed on a wide scale, then why not mail it to as many as you think can benefit by it? Make sure though that you include the following data.

© 04/00 Dick Baarsen,

Hoofdweg 84, 9684 CK Finsterwolde, Holland

(phone: +31 597 333039)


Permission to copy, or otherwise reproduce, and distribute this brochure is freely granted, provided the contents are not in any way altered and the above address and this permission are included unchanged. No price must be charged except, possibly, a minimum amount to cover printing costs. We suggest that for distribution, whenever possible, a brochure with pages of size A6 would be ideal.

For translation into other languages the same conditions apply, and also a copy of the translated text must be sent to the author before public distribution takes place.


In “The Big Difference” there are several references to the Bible. You may not be very familiar with that book, yet might like to look up these references. This is how to go about things.

The Bible is not exactly the type of book that you would read from beginning to end in one sitting. Not only is it too thick for that (around a thousand pages!), in reality it isn’t even one book, but a whole library of 66 books, all in one volume. Basically, in the course of 16 centuries, some 31 prophets, and later also eight followers of Jesus Christ, described in these books their experiences with God.

The books of the first part, the Old Testament, were written before the birth of Jesus Christ. Christians and Jews have that part in common. In it you read about the origins of the world and humanity and about the history of the Israeli people. There you will also find the old Jewish laws and rules for living. Furthermore you will notice there are books with songs, prayers, proverbs and predictions about the coming of a Savior and about the future of the world.

The second part, the New Testament, consists of the writings of some first century Christians: four biographies about this Savior, Jesus Christ, then a book about the first years of Christianity, a number of letters which they wrote to each other, and, finally, a book about the time of the end.

All Bible books have their own titles and are subdivided into chapters. Every chapter is subdivided again into verses. This makes it very easy to indicate where a certain Bible passage can be found. The Ten Commandments, for instance, are in the book of Exodus, in the Old Testament, and in chapter 20 from verse 1 to 17. Such a reference is then usually given as Exodus 20:1-17.

The exact location of each Bible book is given in the Table of Contents on one of the very first pages.

Since the New Testament is a lot smaller than the Old, you will have to look for it well beyond the halfway point of the Bible. The New Testament can also be obtained separately.

In the course of time several translations have been made from the original texts. There are some very old translations, but also modern ones. You may like to start with a translation in today’s English.

In the first book of the Bible, Genesis, you will read about man’s fall into rebellion, that is in chapter 3, while the account of Sodom and Gomorrah is found in chapter 18, from verse 16 right up to chapter 19, verse 30.

Then, in John’s Gospel, i.e. the fourth book of the New Testament, in chapter 4, you can read about the woman who had had five husbands and was having an affair with man number six.

Jesus’ predictions about the time of the end of the world can be found in Matthew’s Gospel, the first book of the New Testament, chapter 24.

And the instructions for a man to treat his wife the way Jesus did his followers are found in the letter the apostle Paul wrote to the Ephesians, chapter 5 from verse 22.

The Bible is full of fascinating content, which, literally millions of times, has proven to be what transforms people’s lives. Like that woman from John 4, you too may find out for yourself as you drink from its “water of life”.